Misc. Writings

Working during Treatment

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Recently I was asked to write about my experience in continuing to work while going through treatment for breast cancer, and my thoughts on ways supervisors may be able to best support employees with short-term or chronic illness.

As I wrote in a previous post, although my direct, administrative manager and co-workers were very supportive throughout my treatment, my direct principal created a harsh work environment for me. This brought undue stress. However, I played my part in allowing it to continue.

Many people have to work through their treatment, and there are laws in place to protect employees from discrimination during short-term or chronic illness. Here are several links that may be helpful when faced with employment issues during a serious illness:

www.cancerandcareers.org

cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/cancer-and-workplace-discrimination

livestrong.org/we-can-help/managing-your-life-during-treatment/employment-issues

I think the biggest factor is that there is fear on both sides. Fear from the employee over potentially losing their job or losing various aspects of their job, and fear from the employer of diminished job performance from an employee while they are going through treatment (and possibly after treatment).

While it is a personal decision on the part of the employee about how much information, if any, they decide to share with their employer, supervisors and co-workers, I do believe communication is key here. Employees and their direct supervisors should be willing to develop a positive, ongoing rapport about the employee’s work environment, treatment regiment, potential side effects, needed time-off, alternative work accommodations and possible work goals throughout and after treatment.

It may be beneficial for direct supervisors to better inform themselves, in general terms, about the type of illness an employee faces, the types of treatment, side effects and possible complications associated with that illness. Being more informed may help them to better support an employee who is going through treatment.  Keep an open mind and heart.  All businesses have a human element and this is a time to focus on that.

Trust is needed from both sides to bring positive results.  If an employee feels supported, they are more likely to return 110% or more in job performance and productivity during and/or after treatment.  Employees, in turn, need to be forthcoming as to their capabilities and limitations throughout treatment.

I will state, however, that there is a fine line.  I can attest to having divulged too much information at times.  Unfortunately, I don’t believe anything would have helped my particular work situation.   On a number of occasions I spoke with my direct principal to better inform her of my status and efforts to maintain good job performance and a positive work relationship between us only to have her dismiss all of that later.

It can be difficult to continue working through treatment.  Chemotherapy and surgeries, side effects and complications, constant doctor appointments, being poked with needles on a daily basis and all the serious medical decisions can be emotionally, physically and psychologically draining.  It was for me, and working in a harsh environment did not help.  Unfortunately, financially I didn’t have an alternative.  My MedOnc wanted me to take three to five months off for chemo, but this single girl had to pay the bills.  I will say, however, that going to that job every day (aside from treatment and sick days) gave me a sense of purpose and did help me combat some of the side effects of treatment, such as fatigue and depression.

I hope the above information helps someone out there.  Every situation is different and should be handled with care.

Lost

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A blessing in disguise. The job change in February was not a good fit (turned out to be more hours, more stress, etc. etc. – the complete opposite of what I was looking for). It was a sign. Even though I would be giving up good pay and benefits, I decided I could no longer live in misery working in the legal field. I had been so unhappy for so long. Honestly, looking back, I had been sabatoging myself at every turn for several years. Eventually, inevitably, it all finally fell apart.

I knew I didn’t want to go back to the legal field, but I was also having a hard time moving forward. I had no clue and felt seriously exhausted after six years battling health issues, making life-altering decisions, caring for my ailing, elderly father and his eventual passing this past December; and then the grief of it all.  So much loss. Add what seemed like the demise of my career and well, it felt like I had hit a very big wall going 100 miles an hour.  

Honestly, all I wanted to do is crawl into a glass box somewhere far inside a wilderness and fall into a deep, deep sleep for about a hundred years–like Snow White after eating the poisoned apple.  This is actually how tired I felt.  Completely exhausted.

So for the past six months, I’ve been in a place of limbo–lots of sleep, depression and a state of just feeling utterly lost. To ensure I could pay my bills, I’ve been driving for Lyft. I decided I would work for myself and become a virtual assistant and notary signing agent. I even created a website and started to develop clients. This is something I could still eventually pursue. However, at present my heart just isn’t in it. I need meaning in my life. Work that compels me to get out of bed every morning.

Recently, an opportunity has come available working with other young, breast cancer survivors. Yes-meaningful work! I am trying not to get my hopes up too much as I had also fallen back into very unhealthy habits. However, I do still have a shot at this. I have a second interview in a couple of weeks. More on this later as I don’t want to jinx myself.

I know this phase of limbo is meant to catapult me in a new direction, but it has been slow going and I have seemingly been working against the tide instead of flowing with it.

I ask for prayers that I’ll find my way.

Lots goin’ on

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I think I recently wrote about the upcoming ultrasound on my left breast.  I’ve had that, and they also did a mammogram on what little remaining tissue existed to squeeze into the mammo machine.  The radiologist’s findings were that one of the lumps felt appeared to be an oily cyst, similar to a pimple.  The more prominent lump appears to be necrotic fatty tissue.  The nurse who gave me the results stated these lumps should eventually be reabsorbed by the body.  They’ve scheduled for me to have a follow up ultrasound in six months.

Also, I’ve never posted here, but the past two years I worked for a ‘horror of a human being’ type boss.  One that threw me under the bus during chemo because “I was out too much for cancer treatment.”  This is something she told me directly.  I endured her crass, shallow and uncaring behavior time and time again.  I finally had, had enough after my father died, and sought out a new job.  I started my new job yesterday and am so, so excited about it!  More pay, my own office, better hours and less stress!

To top it all off, I had an article/blog post published on tinybuddha.com today.  Here’s the link:  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/life-gets-hard-keep-moving-forward-one-step-time/

Things are looking up!  Now I just need to get my workout going and get back to a good eating plan and start really losing this excess weight.  At least I’ve turned the corner and started a new chapter!  So long, old chapter – you taught me a lot but I need to keep moving forward!

For the love of Rex

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Rex is my brother’s dog; an 8 year old Rhodesian ridgeback, and a beautiful specimen of the breed.  He is as big as, if not bigger than, any Great Dane, but pure muscle.  Always the alpha male, particularly when it came to his sister, Mia; but, Rex is a lover, not a fighter.  He definitely let his size be known if another dog tried to claim alpha-male status, but anything more I think was out of character for him, maybe simply because his muscular stature was enough.  It has been said that another dog challenged him at doggy day care long ago.  Rex took up a proud stance and let out a giant woof, which was enough to silence the other dog for good.

My brother used to take him to rattlesnake training.  Rex just stood behind my brother the whole time.  He didn’t want anything to do with the snakes.  Unlike my dogs, which would probably be all over them, wondering what they were.  How could they play with or kill these snakes?  I’m sure Rex would still hunt lions though!

Every single time I came to visit, without fail, Rex would be at my driver’s side door waiting for me to get out of the car, always with uncontrollable excitement.  My brother trained Rex diligently, and for the most part, had him well-controlled.  He was very careful to make sure Rex stayed in line with guests.  Rex had a special love for me though, and I for him.  I think because after my nephew was born, I never faltered in giving Rex the attention he still needed and deserved.  My brother was especially careful where Rex was concerned when I was going through treatment and with my surgeries.  But I loved Rex’s limitless love for me.  Nothing can compare to the love a dog gives.

After my nephew and sister-in-law, Rex is my brother’s pride and joy.  My sister-in-law would say, “You know that’s his boy.”  Rex would sit with my brother on his deck while he drank his coffee in the morning.  He and Mia were my brother’s running partners and the dogs often spent time with the family on their wake-boarding boat.

About six months ago, Rex was diagnosed with cancer; a form of melanoma that was found in his dewclaw.  The dewclaw and cancer were removed and my brother and sister-in-law decided they would do everything they could for him, aside from chemo and further surgeries, which they felt would diminish his quality of life.

My brother does not show his emotions, but when Rex was first diagnosed, he told me about it over the phone.  He couldn’t say much and began to choke up.  That was truly testament to his love for Rex.

This past Christmas, only a month ago, I gifted faux snowballs to my nephew and we all had a nice snowball fight, which Rex loved being a part of.  Within a week a two after, the cancer had spread to his mouth.  I went to visit him this past Friday night, knowing it would be the last time I’d spend with him.

Again, even though he hadn’t eaten in a week, true to form, one last time he came and met me at my driver’s side door.  He wouldn’t walk on the grass though, only the driveway.  I know he was glad to see me, but the excited Rex I knew was gone.  However, he still managed to wag his tail from time to time throughout our visit. 

The now huge, cancerous tumor bulged from inside his mouth and gave a very distinct and pungent smell of dead tissue.  It stayed with me for days after our visit.  It’s something you never forget.

I laid with Rex in my brother’s living room with his head gently resting on my lap.  I remembered eight years earlier sitting in the same spot and laying his sleeping body over my lap when he was just a small puppy, about the size his head is now.

I stayed and had dinner with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew.  When it came time to leave, I kissed and hugged Rex several times, knowing it was for the last time.  He walked outside to the drive with my brother, as he always did to see me off.  I intentionally backed out of my brother’s long, winding driveway so I could see Rex in my headlights as I left.  He walked halfway up the drive as if not wanting me to leave.  I cried the entire way home.

I love you, Rex!  Thanks for loving me too!

 

002bright   IMAG0045   Rex   IMAG0547cropped

Use Your Choices Wisely

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“Know this: You have choices

Acknowledge that in many situations your only choice is how you react. During challenging times, remind yourself: “I have a choice here,” and choose not to waste your time wallowing in negative emotions.” – from Mindful.org

Wow, if only I really knew this advice and took it to heart ages ago.  What does Maya Angelou say, “when you know better, you do better.”  I’ve found in my life and in others, this is not always the case.  It’s certainly something to strive for!  I’ve also learned “PRACTICE” is truly the key to everything.  Thoughts and actions must be trained daily, just like building muscle through working out.  It is really as simple as that, and yet painfully hard to pull off.  Retraining our brains and bodies out of decades-old habits and thoughts.  Why is it that some of us, me in particular, are so stubbornly challenged in this way?

Day 2

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It’s a cold and rainy day but I’m feeling optimistic about 2015.  I had a meeting today that I’m feeling really good about.  More on this later.

Last night I focused on setting goals and writing down things that I need to work on in my new 2015 Inner Guide.  I think writing in this journal daily and continuing my thoughts on this blog will definitely help keep me on track.

Several states I want to maintain in 2015:

Authenticity, compassion, creativity, good health and clean living.

Soul-Survivor

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I haven’t written here in weeks, maybe a month.  Truth is I’d lost the desire to continue chronicling my journey.  I’ve found it so difficult not to slip back into old, bad habits–A way of punishing myself and/or still trying to cope, miserably, with life’s hard knocks.  And I’ve definitely noticed the more I slip back into the bad, the more numb I become to it all, only adding to the vicious cycle of self-loathing.

A friend reminded me today that I needed to continue the blog and continue writing my book.  I certainly haven’t been giving myself enough credit recently for everything that I’ve gone through, and instead let incredibly small-minded people who’ve only spent very fleeting moments in my life get the better of me.

I’d like to say living through a very serious, pancreatic operation and 6 month recovery, or surviving breast cancer, double-mastectomies and all that accompanies it (which is a hell of a lot!  You just don’t know) were my biggest obstacles, but they are not.  I have always been my biggest obstacle—my addictive habits (that are killing me slowly), my continual relapse into negative thinking, my lack of will power and self-discipline.  Am I courageous?  I don’t know anymore.  I’ve always been strong.  I’ve always had to be strong, but the courage part of it comes and goes.

Here is where I start again.  Maybe God will allow me time and grace to climb back up the mountain after having fallen so far down, yet again.  I just have to keep on keeping on.

I was listening to Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ this morning on the way into work.  This will be my new theme song for a while.

“We Are The Champions”

I’ve paid my dues Time after time.
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime.
And bad mistakes ‒ I’ve made a few.
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I’ve come through.

(And I need just go on and on, and on, and on)

We are the champions, my friends,
And we’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.
We are the champions.
We are the champions.
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the world. …

(Taken from azlyrics.com)

Here’s What I’m Grateful for Today

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  • Severe thunderstorms – Who can resist the awesomeness of severe weather–The thunder and lightning, the extreme wind and rain.  It’s humbling to know nature can so easily take us out.  And it’s just totally beautiful! 
  • Thunder and Lightning – Obviously the thunder and lightning are the best part of any thunderstorm.  The symphony of lights and sounds are simply amazing.  Nature puts on a spectacular show!
  • Shelter – It’s also nice to be inside, in a dry place, during such a show.
  • Severe weather alerts – Nice to live in a time in which the national weather service can alert you immediately through text via your cell phone of approaching tornados and other severe weather.  That’s an awesome use of technology!
  • Flashlight app on cell phone – How handy I find this feature to be since I’m always at a loss to find a working flashlight in my house.
  • Candles – Marvelous, if not ancient invention.  Now days we mostly just use candles for ambiance, but what a simple and effective solution in the absence of electricity or battery powered devices.
  • Matches – Always come in handy.  This is one thing no survival kit should be without.
  • Google lookup on cell phone – When I lost electricity during the storm, I was curious to know just how long my refrigerator would keep my fresh produce and Greek yogurt; so, right then I looked it up on my phone–a whole library of information.  Wow, super cool to have such technology, and something we SO easily take for granted.
  • Great neighbors – I have some of the best neighbors in the world!  The kind that check on me when I’m sick, mow my lawn for me without me even knowing and ask if I need anything during a thunderstorm when they too are without.
  • Ability to text with neighbors – Nice feature to have the ability without going out in the storm to find out information that’s happening around your immediate area when things go awry.
  • Having a smart phone during severe weather – Need I say more than I’ve just stated above?
  • Electricity – Well, I think we all can agree this is certainly something most of us take for granted daily, until we’re without it.
  • Being without electricity – Keeps us humbled to the fact we modern humans can’t live without it.
  • A beautiful day after the storm – Doesn’t a beautiful, sunny day just seem more enchanting after severe weather?  You appreciate it a bit more!