Lots goin’ on

I think I recently wrote about the upcoming ultrasound on my left breast.  I’ve had that, and they also did a mammogram on what little remaining tissue existed to squeeze into the mammo machine.  The radiologist’s findings were that one of the lumps felt appeared to be an oily cyst, similar to a pimple.  The more prominent lump appears to be necrotic fatty tissue.  The nurse who gave me the results stated these lumps should eventually be reabsorbed by the body.  They’ve scheduled for me to have a follow up ultrasound in six months.

Also, I’ve never posted here, but the past two years I worked for a ‘horror of a human being’ type boss.  One that threw me under the bus during chemo because “I was out too much for cancer treatment.”  This is something she told me directly.  I endured her crass, shallow and uncaring behavior time and time again.  I finally had, had enough after my father died, and sought out a new job.  I started my new job yesterday and am so, so excited about it!  More pay, my own office, better hours and less stress!

To top it all off, I had an article/blog post published on tinybuddha.com today.  Here’s the link:  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/life-gets-hard-keep-moving-forward-one-step-time/

Things are looking up!  Now I just need to get my workout going and get back to a good eating plan and start really losing this excess weight.  At least I’ve turned the corner and started a new chapter!  So long, old chapter – you taught me a lot but I need to keep moving forward!

Clean Living Goals:


  1. Eliminate use of the microwave entirely (this has become virtually the only way I cook/reheat now).
  2. Adopt macrobiotic diet.
  3. Practice daily juicing, meditation and yoga.
  4. Daily bounce sessions on mini-tramp (good for lymphatic system).
  5. Decrease use of plastics in daily life and overall waste by 50-75% (a good friend offered up taking mason jars with you to the grocery store for your bulk items).
  6. Solely eat organic, non-processed foods–mostly local/homegrown.
  7. Use solely organic, natural/eco-friendly cleaning, personal, pet care, etc. products.

With daily action toward these goals, I can do it!


Use Your Choices Wisely

“Know this: You have choices

Acknowledge that in many situations your only choice is how you react. During challenging times, remind yourself: “I have a choice here,” and choose not to waste your time wallowing in negative emotions.” – from Mindful.org

Wow, if only I really knew this advice and took it to heart ages ago.  What does Maya Angelou say, “when you know better, you do better.”  I’ve found in my life and in others, this is not always the case.  It’s certainly something to strive for!  I’ve also learned “PRACTICE” is truly the key to everything.  Thoughts and actions must be trained daily, just like building muscle through working out.  It is really as simple as that, and yet painfully hard to pull off.  Retraining our brains and bodies out of decades-old habits and thoughts.  Why is it that some of us, me in particular, are so stubbornly challenged in this way?

Day 2

It’s a cold and rainy day but I’m feeling optimistic about 2015.  I had a meeting today that I’m feeling really good about.  More on this later.

Last night I focused on setting goals and writing down things that I need to work on in my new 2015 Inner Guide.  I think writing in this journal daily and continuing my thoughts on this blog will definitely help keep me on track.

Several states I want to maintain in 2015:

Authenticity, compassion, creativity, good health and clean living.

New day, New year – Day 1 of 365 days of Transformation

Day 1 – January 1, 2015

To really start this new year off right, I need to take a look back at this past year–no, the past, several years.  They have been filled with difficult, hard, stressful times, literally one stacked on top of another.

This past year my focus was primarily on my father.  It’s very stressful having an elderly parent to care for.  His mental and physical deterioration, injuries, illnesses, hospitalizations, and eventual move to a nursing home over the past few years has definitely taken its toll.

In 2013, not only did he suffer from major, congestive heart failure, I too was saddled with my own breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.  To say the past five to six years have been tough is an understatement.

I really thought 2014 would bring significant change for me physically, mentally and spiritually. While there has been some change–I’ve kept living and trying to move forward–it has still been more of the same.  No, I can say without a doubt, I fully regressed into the same, old, bad habits.

I am now the heaviest I have ever been.  I haven’t really changed or even placed focus on bettering the various aspects of my life.  I feel this whole time I’ve only been in survival mode.  Maybe that had to be enough with everything I’d been going through.  However, this is a brand new day of a brand new year.

Now is my time to focus and do the hard work.  Reinvention is in order.

I recently ordered an Inner Guide day planner for 2015 to help me keep my focus.  I started back on my custom, food plan designed by the trainer I started working with in early 2014.  I’m going to get back to working out and meditating every day.  I’ll be creating a new vision board with sections for each aspect of my life I need to work on–physical, mental, spiritual, finances, home life, work life, relationships, etc.  This is where I start.

Keep living and moving forward, ever changing and expanding.  No more excuses–Just do it!

Screening update

With every focus on my father recently, I never posted an update regarding my last visit to my breast surgeon, in which she requested a follow up visit because she was concerned about several lumps in my left breast area.  I went back for that follow up and she re-examined and then she said she felt comfortable that it was likely scar tissue from surgery.  She wants to follow up with me again in six months.  That was a good thing, I think.  I recently also visited my oncologist, who agreed with my BSs assessment.  She also ordered for me to undergo another CT of my chest and abdomen as well as a trans-vaginal ultrasound.  All in line with conservative, follow up screening for my “unique” case history.  Cheers to me I guess!  Please wish me luck and good fortune–That I will receive only good results!  My CT and ultrasound are scheduled for December 29, 2014.

Damn my blood pressure!

I have one doctor’s office that operates fairly mindlessly. They are extremely overburdened with patients.  I feel like one of many cattle being herded every time I pay them a visit.  My own doctor there, who I’ve been seeing for five years now (granted I can only get in to see her about once a year, if that), doesn’t even remember who I am.  On my last visit with her she thought I was a new patient.  Seriously, I do understand she has a heavy flow of patients, but damn if I haven’t heard from enough doctors and surgeons how unique my medical history is.  And believe me, being told this by specialists who see unique cases all the time is not in the least bit reassuring.  My case seems to certainly be unique enough to definitely stand out a bit.

Anyway, my only shining light there is my doctor’s nurse practitioner, who I do see more frequently. She always remembers me and what is said in our visits.  She is the one, mindful eye in the whole practice, in my opinion.

Today I had my usual, follow up visit with her. My lack of focus recently with my father’s passing, etc. is clearly present, and lately, more often than not, I’ve overlooked something that I needed to stay mindful of.

You see, women who’ve had double-mastectomies such as me must be careful not to have our blood pressure taken via the arms. This is primarily due to the resection of lymph nodes from our chest area during surgery.  The pressure caused by blood pressure cuffs and other things can cause lymphedema in the arms and/or upper torso area.

Today the nurse mindlessly placed the cuff on my arm and I mindlessly conceded. With every quick squeeze of her hand on the little ball, it grew tighter and tighter.  It felt like my arm was being severed off.  I screamed, “No, you can’t do that, I’ve had double-mastectomies – Get it off, get it off!”  I then quickly pulled the velcroed cuff off my arm and yelled out “dammit!”  I was infuriated with myself, the nurse and their office in general.  At myself for not realizing it until it was already happening to me and with the nurse and practice for continually not noting in my chart this serious thing they needed to be alert about.  Right then I apologized to her, noting my father had just passed and therefore my ability to focus was askew.  I then asked her to boldly note my chart, to specifically add it in the computer while I was standing there, about this very important thing.  Also, as soon as I stepped in the nurse practitioner’s office, I promptly told her this can’t happen again.

Doctor’s offices, particularly nurses need to be more in tune to this. This is something I’m going to look at ways to promote better care of.  Yes, this is something I will work on!  I mean, what if I was taken to the hospital unconscious and no one knew to be careful of this.  My nurse practitioner suggested today that maybe I should think about one of those medical alert bracelets.  I’ll have to investigate this more to be sure that would make the difference.  Stay tuned on this one.


I haven’t written here in weeks, maybe a month.  Truth is I’d lost the desire to continue chronicling my journey.  I’ve found it so difficult not to slip back into old, bad habits–A way of punishing myself and/or still trying to cope, miserably, with life’s hard knocks.  And I’ve definitely noticed the more I slip back into the bad, the more numb I become to it all, only adding to the vicious cycle of self-loathing.

A friend reminded me today that I needed to continue the blog and continue writing my book.  I certainly haven’t been giving myself enough credit recently for everything that I’ve gone through, and instead let incredibly small-minded people who’ve only spent very fleeting moments in my life get the better of me.

I’d like to say living through a very serious, pancreatic operation and 6 month recovery, or surviving breast cancer, double-mastectomies and all that accompanies it (which is a hell of a lot!  You just don’t know) were my biggest obstacles, but they are not.  I have always been my biggest obstacle—my addictive habits (that are killing me slowly), my continual relapse into negative thinking, my lack of will power and self-discipline.  Am I courageous?  I don’t know anymore.  I’ve always been strong.  I’ve always had to be strong, but the courage part of it comes and goes.

Here is where I start again.  Maybe God will allow me time and grace to climb back up the mountain after having fallen so far down, yet again.  I just have to keep on keeping on.

I was listening to Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ this morning on the way into work.  This will be my new theme song for a while.

“We Are The Champions”

I’ve paid my dues Time after time.
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime.
And bad mistakes ‒ I’ve made a few.
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I’ve come through.

(And I need just go on and on, and on, and on)

We are the champions, my friends,
And we’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.
We are the champions.
We are the champions.
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the world. …

(Taken from azlyrics.com)

Always Wait to Worry

I had a follow appt with my breast surgeon today.  She noticed two small lumps/nodules near the scar tissue on my left side that she wants to reassess in 6 weeks to 2 months.  She figures it’s related to the scarring and/or my drain site and said since it’s where my left breast tissue used to be, she is less worried than if it were in my right (as that’s where the cancer was).  It makes sense as due to the amount of nymph nodes she took from my left breast, it had a harder time draining than the right.  In any event, I messaged close friends it’s a little unsettling in the news dept., but no worries unless there’s actually something to worry about.  I have to remind myself the docs never take chances with us mutant girls.  Better to be on the safe side of things. ;)