Inside the Cocoon

Yes, the Universe has been majorly hitting me over the head with regard to extreme life changes I must make.  Here’s a link to an interesting article I read today on 10 Signs It’s Time For A Major Life Change by Shannon Kaiser.  It completely denotes where I’m at and have been for a while.  I keep thinking of the caterpillar in metamorphasis.  I’m at that place where I want to remain still and quite.  Not to refrain from taking action but to listen, analyze and make sound observations and choices that benefit me fully.  I want to remain somewhat isolated for a while during this stage of transformation.  I think also to continue processing the grief and other emotions of so many things past and present.

I went for coffee with a friend Friday night and we talked for hours about letting go of negative thoughts and habits and subtle shifts in our perspectives that have been happening recently.  Things become more and more clear.  I’ve built a life void of close family ties and intimate relationships, and mindlessly clung to bad habits that hurt me and material possessions in a blind attempt to mask the lack of those relationships.  I’ve believed for so long I only really deserved the bad in life and none of the good.  However, love and stability were the things I desired most, things I didn’t have as a child after my mother passed away.  So, I bought a cozy little house by the lake, furnishings, adopted several orphaned pets and settled into mundane life with the hope of more.  Yet, it’s all been an illusion–A sad illusion.  I built a shell for a life that didn’t exist.  I settled for this shell of a life not realizing my true worth, inner strength and capabilities.  I’m still struggling to realize these things fully, but at least I am realizing them.

I want my transformation to be so magnificient that in a year’s time no one will recognize me.  I won’t even recognize me.  No, scratch that.  Maybe for the first time in a long time, I WILL recognize myself–my authentic self, and not someone mired in self-destructive addictions that are killing me–food, cigarettes, alcohol, material possessions, chaos.  Oprah says it best, “to become the highest or most truthful expression of yourself as a human being.”  That’s what I’d like to accomplish.  Forever striving for this.

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