I’ve been in deep contemplation recently regarding my current interactions with the people in my life. I want to change or correct some of my more severe flaws. One of my most depraved, defense mechanisms is alienation. Alienation of myself and of those I desire closeness with. I alienate, seemingly in every way possible. It certainly has the opposite effect of what is intended and just makes everything worse.
I’ve somewhat been aware of this affliction, personality flaw, bad character trait–I’m not really sure what to call it–for some time, but it creeps up and blows wide open at the most inopportune moments and can linger for long periods of time (even months). It’s a hard defense mechanism to conquer.
I’ve found it particularly severe during my most desperate times–Through my panc surgery and recovery, and now through chemo. When I actually have my boob surgery, no one will be around because I will have alienated them all. I guess I became so used to going through hard times on my own for so long, since my early teens. I’ve never been good at letting people in and apparently have a severe reaction to letting my guard down. A few very close friends and several relationships that did not work out. Not what I would have chosen for my life. As I’ve stated previously, it blows going it alone.
This is what retreat is for, to work on getting rid of the negative and replacing with the good!