It’s been over a week and a half since I’ve posted anything new.  It has become quite a habit for me to post less often.  Truth is I’ve been uninspired.  I have regressed back into old behaviors and been very isolating.  This in turn has forced me into a depressed state.  Things have been chaotic, aside from going through treatment.  My finances are a mess, my house is a wreck, my poor pups have put up with the lack of walks for some time now, work has been… Well, I’ll just leave that there.   I’m not sure if things have ever been this bad–Such massive chaos in my life.  I’ve dropped so many balls that I’ve been juggling for so long.  Guess I needed to.  Cancer does funny things to your perceptions of your life on this planet. 

Let’s face it, honestly, my life has been chaotic for a very long time.  Years.  I wish I could just focus on a clear goal and not let anything break that focus.  How do you do that for incredibly long periods of time (6 months, 2 years, much longer–Ah hell, 1 month), let alone through pancreatic surgery, major complications, a 6 month recovery, constant stress of having to think on preventive surgeries, cancer diagnosis, lumpectomy, chemo treatment, still the looming threat of more, major surgeries and all the complications and recovery that come with those?   An ongoing onslaught of doctor appts where you are more often hit with ‘harder to take in’ news than each previous appt.  Life doesn’t stop and wait for you.  It doesn’t even slow down.   And always so many obstacles.  I was thinking that this morning on the way into work–Always obstacles!  

There will always be obstacles.  We’re flooded with them on a daily basis–Some of us much more than others!!!!!!   I can’t add enough exclaimation points to that statement.   I need peace, peace from the chaos I’ve built around me.  A vaca from all the crap!   Time off from cancer or even the threat of it! 

And all these walls that I’ve built over time.  They suffocate me.   A fortress of protection that is literally killing me.  I did that, no one else. 

I do this, create chaos apparently just to make things worse for myself.  Consciously, subconsiously, both?  I still believe this is what I deserve.  Nothing good.  Nothing happy.  Nothing of love and respect.  I know, it’s all so obvious.  It’s changing it that I seem to have some twisted opposition to.  Why is that?  Don’t we all want love and respect–yes, of course we do!  Don’t we all want to give that?  I do, I know I do.  I just don’t believe it exists for me, me in particular.   Where did this belief come from?  Over time, a whole life time of feeling unworthy. 

Why is it so hard for us to grasp and hold on to the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that make us whole instead of the ones that tear us down?  

I need a clean slate–entirely blank–Something I’ve never had.  

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Here are a few good articles I read today on The Daily Love’s web site (www.thedailylove.com):

The Euphoria Of Admitting When It Sucks
October 9, 2013 by Danielle LaPorte

How To Find Healing In This Very Moment
October 9, 2013 by Karly Randolph Pitman