I haven’t written here in weeks, maybe a month. Truth is I’d lost the desire to continue chronicling my journey. I’ve found it so difficult not to slip back into old, bad habits–A way of punishing myself and/or still trying to cope, miserably, with life’s hard knocks. And I’ve definitely noticed the more I slip back into the bad, the more numb I become to it all, only adding to the vicious cycle of self-loathing.
A friend reminded me today that I needed to continue the blog and continue writing my book. I certainly haven’t been giving myself enough credit recently for everything that I’ve gone through, and instead let incredibly small-minded people who’ve only spent very fleeting moments in my life get the better of me.
I’d like to say living through a very serious, pancreatic operation and 6 month recovery, or surviving breast cancer, double-mastectomies and all that accompanies it (which is a hell of a lot! You just don’t know) were my biggest obstacles, but they are not. I have always been my biggest obstacle—my addictive habits (that are killing me slowly), my continual relapse into negative thinking, my lack of will power and self-discipline. Am I courageous? I don’t know anymore. I’ve always been strong. I’ve always had to be strong, but the courage part of it comes and goes.
Here is where I start again. Maybe God will allow me time and grace to climb back up the mountain after having fallen so far down, yet again. I just have to keep on keeping on.
I was listening to Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ this morning on the way into work. This will be my new theme song for a while.
“We Are The Champions”
I’ve paid my dues Time after time.
I’ve done my sentence
But committed no crime.
And bad mistakes ‒ I’ve made a few.
I’ve had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I’ve come through.
(And I need just go on and on, and on, and on)
We are the champions, my friends,
And we’ll keep on fighting ’til the end.
We are the champions.
We are the champions.
No time for losers
‘Cause we are the champions of the world. …
(Taken from azlyrics.com)
Queen is epic! One of my favorite bands with anthems for everyone! Sing it loud and proud, girl!
This should definitely be your next karaoke choice. It’s ambitious, I know, but I’ll sing along