I realized this morning that a large part of my grief and depression lately has been based around certain expectations that I had for my life not coming to fruition for whatever reason. The road is far different than the one I thought I’d be traveling down at this point in my life.
I started my bucket list about 5 years back, before all of my crazy, health stuff. Everyone around me keeps saying ‘health issues.’ “I heard you’ve had some health issues.” Health issues?–So polite, or is it? I don’t know why that term bugs me so much. I had cancer, that’s what I had.
I don’t know what will happen with the surgeries, my body, whether I’ll be facing more ‘health’ scares in the future given my BRCA1 status; but I have to start living again, or maybe for the first time. I decided today that while focusing on losing the weight and preparing for my additional surgeries, I’m going to accept this reality and look forward to taking the road less traveled. I need new things to look forward to. Maybe I’ll sell everything and go out and see the world. All I know is it’s time to pull out that old bucket list and start making plans and set new goals for a new life–an unexpected life–and just see where it takes me. Here’s to hoping new adventures await me, far beyond my expectations.