When the Japanese mend broken objects,
they aggrandize the damage by filling
the cracks with gold. They believe that
when something’s suffered damage and
has a history it becomes more beautiful.
~ Barbara Bloom
Often we are fully aware of the moments we are in true transformation, but many times we are not. Sometimes transformation is so subtle, it often doesn’t hit us until later. I’ve realized, even with great setbacks (most recently I’ve been eating everything in sight and have gained weight, I know I have), I’m still transforming for the better, and in real, long-term ways. My thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world around me are changing. I’m striving, even in the smallest measure, to live by intention and not by habit. And even when I fall short (which is all the time), my thoughts about falling short are different too–More of an “okay, that didn’t work” or “man, I fell off the wagon there, but it’s going to happen so get back up and keep going.” I choose to no longer beat myself up about it or go spiraling into negative thoughts (which, the saying is true, being negative does absolutely nothing for you! I should know as I WAS the resounding poster child for negativity!).
We all have negative thoughts and I’m sure I will continue to have them, but I’ve learned not to let them control my life. I’ve been made even stronger now and developed more awareness, and even gained some tools to keep me moving forward and away from the negative thinking. Now, I look more toward how I can do things better or just differently. Past events don’t plague me as they used to and I now see the truth behind them instead of the lies I had previously told myself. I also see how incredibly strong I am to have lived through such tragedy and adversity throughout my life. I used to believe so many things were my fault. I felt so damaged or that somehow I was genetically flawed and entirely unfixable. Well, LOL, let’s face it, I really am genetically flawed (albeit in a different way); however, aside from the real genetic mutation that has devastated my life (but that I am living and thriving through) the negative thoughts don’t have the stronghold they used to.
As with any extreme hardship, you have two choices: (i) either you become so destroyed that it’s literally impossible to come back from; or (ii) you buck the hell up and gain an entirely new, more purposeful and positive prospective on life. THANK GOD I think my ticket is for the later train! And maybe I’m just not willing to be as critical on myself or about my choices anymore. I have been beaten down and virtually decimated and now I’m working on being built back up even stronger. As if my damaged body and emotional well-being lay motionless on a large, metal table being torn open by machines slowly working to methodically replace parts of me with stronger, smarter and more resilient ones. Such as fire can devastate a forest, in time it brings renewal and even more, productive life.
Acceptance comes with grace and humility, and surrender brings great power if you can be still long enough to see it. I can now see clearly the message behind the passage “[m]y grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” because I’ve now lived it. I am grateful for that as most people will never experience this type of revelation.
A year or two back, I started an outline of my book and recently realized I must continue that project. It is becoming increasingly more important to me. A few days ago I wrote a friend about potential titles. She’d previously read initial draft passages from my book, for which I already had a title. She encouraged me to think about sticking with the original title. I think now that she may be right and that I’m on the right track as my current metamorphosis may play into the original title well, but more on that later.