I realize I’ve been rather blunt in my recent posts. Oddly ;-), there are so many emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis. Some people don’t want to talk about it for long periods of time, some never will, some only open up to certain trusted people and still others want to scream at the top of their lungs to the world what they’re faced with. I’ve done it all. I’ve been faced with bad circumstances for a while now, longer than my recent cancer diagnosis. This ain’t my first rodeo. Recently, more often than not I’ve been very candid, at least in the writings on my blog. Hell, I may be boobless soon enough (hopefully, only for a short while) and you can’t imagine the emotions surrounding just that. Writing on this blog has been very cathartic for me. It has helped me process thoughts and externalize my fears.
And, yes, part of me does wonder why the hell I’m putting this all out there–Such an incredibly personal thing. Do I really want everyone to know I may be boobless soon? Well, after careful contemplation, I say, “Screw it!” What I mean to say is, “I’m getting over it.” This is hell, and people should know what women with BRCA mutations are really faced with. The decisions we’re asked to make (the possible, and likely, removal of reproductive organs and mammary glands–aka, ovaries and boobs) due to an extremely high cancer risk, a continual threat that NEVER relents. You have to learn to live life on another playing field and with another prospective–Something I’ve never been good at. I’ve lived exactly the opposite of how I should. For me, this has been a perceived plague that has followed me throughout my life. My mother, my aunt (my mother’s identical twin) and my grandmother all died at very young ages (in their thirties) of this disease. I’m the same age now that my mother was when she died. I think I’ve always given it the upper hand and therefore let it wreak havoc on my life. NO MORE!!! I will rage against the dying of the light!!!! Effing cancer!!!!!
Who knows, maybe someday others outside my small realm will read this blog; and, just maybe my story will help other women with BRCA mutations who are faced with these gut-wrenching decisions too.