So, I was driving home tonight and listening to NPR, and they spoke several times of a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, “do one thing every day that scares you.” I’m adding this profound message to my retreat with plans to take action on it.
Misc. Writings
DIY retreat to commense this weekend
I’ll be preparing and focusing on the start of my retreat this weekend. I’m excited to take some serious time to focus inward and make serious changes regarding my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. I’ve been teetering back and forth for some time. Making strides and then collapsing back into old habits again. This last time in a serious way! I need crucial change now! It’s time to dig in, work hard and move forward.
Yesterday was my 9th chemo treatment on Taxol. 3 more to go. The countdown has begun! 
My last treatment is November 14th. I was thinking of an ‘end of chemo’ happy hour or something–Possibly at my favorite Austin restaurant, Fonda San Miguel. I will think on it some more. For the very few who actually read my blog, please chime in!
I had a long heart to heart with the nurse practitioner at the MedOnc’s office yesterday. She noticed that I’ve been moving in the wrong direction regarding my health and wellbeing and not focusing any longer on preparing for surgery. I seem to be sabotaging myself, yet again. Just the thought of surgery makes me teary-eyed. I started getting emotional just talking with her about it. It’s not just that it’s a major, life-altering surgery; my fear comes from the pancreatic surgery I endured 3 years ago for a rare, mucinous cystadenoma. Initially, everything went fine, and then the complications started. I suffered many complications, several more stints in the hospital, more surgeries, and painful rehabilitation with a 6-month recovery. I cannot express here how brutal that all was. I almost didn’t make it a number of times.
This has struck a fear of surgery in me that is so strong. Honestly, it’s not the fear of surgery itself, but of the complications that can develop. I have to move past it, somehow. I’m hoping my DIY retreat will help me conquer this fear and move forward with preparing for surgery. I cannot afford to keep moving the timeframe of surgery. It must happen within the next 6 months, and my doc has made it clear sooner than later. My MedOnc has given me a window that I must stick to, to stay on the safe side of things, hopefully!
My MedOnc has asked me to consider mastectomies and delaying reconstruction, but even now, as I write this I’m tearing up. I cannot. It’s too hard. It’s all really hard. My situation is different than the average woman’s, always has been.
Many women jump at having this done, immediately. Their fear is very justified. More and more women are having bimx/recon surgeries, a good majority who do not need to take such drastic measures. Breast cancer scares the crap out of you. I know, I’ve had this monkey on my shoulder my whole life! I, unfortunately, fall into the category that absolutely should take such drastic measures.
I’ve always been on the forefront of this. Knowing of my family history, I started seeing my breast surgeon in my early twenties. She has been monitoring me ever since and even performed my recent lumpectomy. When the BRCA gene testing became available, well, I didn’t do it right away but knew if I found out I did have a mutation I’d do what I needed to do to save my life. But, after the panc surgery, everything became so much more difficult. So many obstacles, around every corner. The opposite has happened. I’ve turned my fear of surgery into a more palpable beast than my fear of dying from breast cancer. What kind of crap is that? It’s all hard–So many brutal decisions!
I know I’m a survivor, I always have been, my whole life; but, how much can God place on one person? How strong do I have to become?
The Alien in the Room
I’ve been in deep contemplation recently regarding my current interactions with the people in my life. I want to change or correct some of my more severe flaws. One of my most depraved, defense mechanisms is alienation. Alienation of myself and of those I desire closeness with. I alienate, seemingly in every way possible. It certainly has the opposite effect of what is intended and just makes everything worse.
I’ve somewhat been aware of this affliction, personality flaw, bad character trait–I’m not really sure what to call it–for some time, but it creeps up and blows wide open at the most inopportune moments and can linger for long periods of time (even months). It’s a hard defense mechanism to conquer.
I’ve found it particularly severe during my most desperate times–Through my panc surgery and recovery, and now through chemo. When I actually have my boob surgery, no one will be around because I will have alienated them all. I guess I became so used to going through hard times on my own for so long, since my early teens. I’ve never been good at letting people in and apparently have a severe reaction to letting my guard down. A few very close friends and several relationships that did not work out. Not what I would have chosen for my life. As I’ve stated previously, it blows going it alone.
This is what retreat is for, to work on getting rid of the negative and replacing with the good!
Where Is Tony Robbins When You Need Him?
I think I need one of Tony Robbins’ fire-walking seminars–Something powerful like that to push me through the fear of my soon, fated surgeries.
Various people have been pushing me to continue writing my book. Although, honestly, I’ve been feeling somewhat uninspired as very few currently even read my blog.
A good friend at work told me today that Mastin Kipp, author of The Daily Love blog, is hosting a Writer’s Mastermind Retreat in Bali (http://bali.thedailylove.com/). Wow, it sounds so amazing! A whole month of mediation, relaxation and writing in Bali! Ah, can’t you just feel the warm, ocean breeze? Bali is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. Plus, they push you to finish your book, at least the first draft, in 28 days. If I could only win the lottery, well, if I played it that is.
That’s exactly what I need, a retreat to focus solely on myself, both my inner and outer workings. The same friend also mentioned a woman who made it her mission for 30 days to, aside from work, devote herself to her own spiritual retreat. So, whatever time she had outside of work, she spent creating her own DIY retreat. I guess I’ll have to start there as my budget for a month-long Bali retreat is entirely non-existent at the moment.
Current Reading List
Notes from the Infusion Room
So I’m back at TxOnc again today. My seventh Taxol treatment. It’s been making my joints ache for a couple weeks now. I’ve been sitting, getting up and walking around like an old fart, totally creakin’.
Me, myself and I are here today. I gabbed with my friend, Leigh Ann, for a bit and with my close friend, Beth, over the phone. Always nice to have a bit of laughter!
Took a nice nappy nappy. Now just hangin’ out waiting to finish treatment. There are lots of couples and the laughter of families all around. At these times, it makes it hard. There is some crap, reality, wedding show on TV. Seems like it’s been playing for hours. Truthfully, it all makes me want to cry. These are the times when it really sucks!
Yin and Yang
The Yin and Yang of It All
God turns you from one feeling to another
And teaches you by means of opposites
So that you will have two wings to fly,
Not one. - Rumi
Dust If You Must
Author Unknown
Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.
Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.
The Five Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Something to keep striving for in my daily life:
Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Be Skeptical, but Learn to Listen: Don’t believe yourself or anybody else. Use the power of doubt to question everything you hear: Is it really the truth? Listen to the intent behind the words, and you will understand the real message.
My horoscope – The Austin Chronicle, Aug. 16-22, 2013
I typically don’t read horoscopes, but you read just about anything when you’re stuck in a chair for 5 hours getting treatment. This one is a good one for me–inspiring, and something to keep in mind.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Aldous Huxley was the renowned 20th century intellectual who wrote the book Brave New World, a dystopian vision of the future. Later in his life he came to regret one thing: how “preposterously serious” he had been when he was younger. “There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet,” he ruminated, “trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly, my darling. … Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.” I would love for you to put this counsel at the top of your priority list for the next 10 months, darling Pisces. Maybe even write it out on a piece of paper and tape it to your bathroom mirror. ~ FREE WILL ASTROLOGY by Rob Brezsny
Doesn’t really sound like a horoscope, but great advice and exactly what I needed to read today. Lovingly written–Also what I needed as I’ve had harshness in one form or another for weeks now. Don’t you just love when a writer refers to his/her readers as “darling”? Makes it more personal, that they’re writing just for you. Gives me the warm fuzzies all over!