Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. TRUST. HOPE. LOVE. WISH. BELIEVE. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of always focusing on how far you have to go. ~ Mandy Hale
I think I may have a little bit of chemo brain goin’ on. One of my attorneys is not happy with me as I booked her on economy instead of first class. Oh, the torture! Another asked me for a manilla folder and I started to give her an envelope. Then we had a complaint to file in a New York court which I totally could of looked up the rules which state you have to file an initial complaint in the traditional manner instead of through ECF, but I didn’t. Not a good day at work!!!
Headed to Trader Joe’s today to get more greens, fruits and veggies. Yay! I’m excited to start a daily juicing routine again and experiment with different kinds of yummy greens and other ingredients in my blender, and also learning to “not” cook/prepare raw foods in the 28-day raw foods on a budget bootcamp coming up soon.
I scheduled to meet with the physical therapist in a couple weeks and will meet with another patient navigator that works with young survivors from Seton on additional resources I can utilize, even aside from diet and fitness.
We have a 3-day weekend to celebrate Martin Luther King’s birthday–Dr. King, YES!!! I thought maybe I’d make a dent in outlining and starting to write initial draft chapters for my book. Good plan!
I’m also thinking of entering the BCRC’s 2014 Art Bra Austin runway show, as an artist, not a model (although they need entries for those as well). Maybe I’ll get some of my other girlfriends involved. Yes, another good plan! I’m full of them today.
When the Japanese mend broken objects,
they aggrandize the damage by filling
the cracks with gold. They believe that
when something’s suffered damage and
has a history it becomes more beautiful.
~ Barbara Bloom
Often we are fully aware of the moments we are in true transformation, but many times we are not. Sometimes transformation is so subtle, it often doesn’t hit us until later. I’ve realized, even with great setbacks (most recently I’ve been eating everything in sight and have gained weight, I know I have), I’m still transforming for the better, and in real, long-term ways. My thoughts and beliefs about myself and the world around me are changing. I’m striving, even in the smallest measure, to live by intention and not by habit. And even when I fall short (which is all the time), my thoughts about falling short are different too–More of an “okay, that didn’t work” or “man, I fell off the wagon there, but it’s going to happen so get back up and keep going.” I choose to no longer beat myself up about it or go spiraling into negative thoughts (which, the saying is true, being negative does absolutely nothing for you! I should know as I WAS the resounding poster child for negativity!).
We all have negative thoughts and I’m sure I will continue to have them, but I’ve learned not to let them control my life. I’ve been made even stronger now and developed more awareness, and even gained some tools to keep me moving forward and away from the negative thinking. Now, I look more toward how I can do things better or just differently. Past events don’t plague me as they used to and I now see the truth behind them instead of the lies I had previously told myself. I also see how incredibly strong I am to have lived through such tragedy and adversity throughout my life. I used to believe so many things were my fault. I felt so damaged or that somehow I was genetically flawed and entirely unfixable. Well, LOL, let’s face it, I really am genetically flawed (albeit in a different way); however, aside from the real genetic mutation that has devastated my life (but that I am living and thriving through) the negative thoughts don’t have the stronghold they used to.
As with any extreme hardship, you have two choices: (i) either you become so destroyed that it’s literally impossible to come back from; or (ii) you buck the hell up and gain an entirely new, more purposeful and positive prospective on life. THANK GOD I think my ticket is for the later train! And maybe I’m just not willing to be as critical on myself or about my choices anymore. I have been beaten down and virtually decimated and now I’m working on being built back up even stronger. As if my damaged body and emotional well-being lay motionless on a large, metal table being torn open by machines slowly working to methodically replace parts of me with stronger, smarter and more resilient ones. Such as fire can devastate a forest, in time it brings renewal and even more, productive life.
Acceptance comes with grace and humility, and surrender brings great power if you can be still long enough to see it. I can now see clearly the message behind the passage “[m]y grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” because I’ve now lived it. I am grateful for that as most people will never experience this type of revelation.
A year or two back, I started an outline of my book and recently realized I must continue that project. It is becoming increasingly more important to me. A few days ago I wrote a friend about potential titles. She’d previously read initial draft passages from my book, for which I already had a title. She encouraged me to think about sticking with the original title. I think now that she may be right and that I’m on the right track as my current metamorphosis may play into the original title well, but more on that later.
So my hair is coming back. Yay! Only thing is it appears to be coming in gray with white hairs here and there. Yikes! I’m not old yet–Way too young for gray and white hairs!!! Ugh! I guess at least it is coming back in. I’ve noticed my eye lashes and eye brows coming back too. I had another follow up with my surgeon today and so far everything looks good and seems to be healing fine. That’s all good news!
Whatever we are waiting for –
peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. - Sarah Ban Breathnach
Well, I’m still very much in the process of healing. Today was my first day back at work and now it’s the end of the day and, man, I am so, so sore. OUCH! All I want to do is go home, take a hot shower, maybe build a nice fire and climb into the blankets sprawled across my living room sofa.
What can I say about being back at work–? Apparently, I think it’s been pretty quiet. Most everyone has been gone or traveling on business. Everyone seems to be happy to have me back, although I should have tried for the rest of this week off and came back on Monday. Oh well!
I’ve been hesitant on starting a rigorous meditation/cleanse/yoga/fitness program just yet, at least not until I’m more healed from surgery. However, today at lunch I decided to get my healthy eating plan started so I ventured to Trader Joe’s. I spent my entire lunch hour filling my basket with yummy, organic produce, fresh fish and lean chicken. I was so stoked on stocking my fridge tonight with all this fresh produce. But it wasn’t meant to be. As soon as I got to the register, I realized my wallet was missing from my purse. No cash, lone credit card or check book in sight. I was completely without monetary means to buy all the yumminess I’d just spent an hour loading into my cart. Crap! I hate it when that happens. What a letdown! I just hope my wallet is, like, sitting on my kitchen table or something. Yikes!
Speaking of fitness programs though, my oncologist’s office has referred me to physical therapy to get more rehabilitated before I begin a more rigorous fitness program. I’m sure that’s best. After the year I’ve had, I’d like to ease into the best healthy living and fitness for me. I think that’s the best approach if I want this all to become full-on changes for the rest of life. Going at something full-force sometimes leads to failed results and I’m not in a place to be pressuring myself. I need to take it smooth and easy, at least to start. I realize I need to start setting small goals, but I’m not about to pressure myself with 3-mth, 6-mth, 1 year deadlines, at least not just yet. I realize 2014 is all about transition for me. That’s what I need to pray most about. Let there be transformation, God!!!! Tons of transformation!!!! So much so, that no one will recognize me. So much so, that I won’t even recognize me!!!!