The Big C

In Honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

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I’d like to urge everyone to support the Breast Cancer Resource Centers of Texas.  I can tell you from my own experience the BCRC is a vital resource in supporting the newly diagnosed and those living through breast cancer.  My patient navigator has been with me every step of the way and was instrumental in assisting with all sorts of resources (from providing breast pillows for after surgery to helping coordinate free wig fittings and beauty classes).  She is also the founder of the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls (a network for younger women under 45 who are living through all stages of breast cancer); and even provided her own personal experiences with me regarding her surgery, chemo and survivorship, which in turn helped me when making decisions regarding my own treatment. 

BCRC logo

Click on the logo to donate and/or find out more about what the BCRC does.

The Bride of Frankenstein

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Since it is the month of Halloween and the month of Breast Cancer Awareness, I’d like to pay tribute to one of my favorite characters of film.  What could be more fitting?

I’ve often stated when all is said and done, I’ll likely come out looking like the Bride of Frankenstein, with scars everywhere.  I’ve felt virtually heart-broken by this inevitable outcome.  However, I now realize I’ve been looking at this in entirely the wrong light; moreover, I’ve been paying a disservice to Elsa Lanchester, the actress who played the ‘Bride.’  Again, a different perspective can do wonders.  I’ve decided I must try and celebrate this.  I have a horrible mutation that leaves me with having to make brutal choices for the sake of my own survival.  I must count myself lucky to have the knowledge upfront.  Hopefully, in enough time to change what could be a tragic fate had I not known of my mutation.  Hopefully!

Furthermore, scars bear witness that you have survived something; that you are still alive to tell the tale.  And, who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and even excited with the outcome.  All tucked up, lifted boobs and tightened here and there.  That is if I can lose the weight and overcome this debilitating fear of surgery.  Hey, maybe I will get a nice set of “Franken boobs.”  ;-)

As for the ‘Bride,’ truthfully, I’ve always loved the way she looks.  I think she’s beautiful and I’ve always liked her hair. 

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Pressure

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Have had a hard week.  My face and neck have swelled to distorted proportions.  Thought it was an allergic reaction.  Went to treatment Thursday and they decided it best to rule out a blood clot.  Over two days, a very painful doppler ultrasound and a CT scan, it’s official, I have developed a very serious blood clot in my chest.  It has partially blocked my main vein.  They’re not sure if it was caused by my port or not.  Nurse stated the fact that I’ve had cancer, a tumor, and chemo through a port all make me at higher risk for a blood clot.

My doctor has put me on high dose blood thinners.  The pressure in my head, neck and upper extremities is painful to say the least.  My chemo treatment has been halted until next week.  I have an appt with my doctor first thing tomorrow morning.  At that time she’ll determine how long I’ll remain on them.

Tricky Taxol

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Just finished 2nd round of Taxol today.  Weird thing is, this time it gave me severe chills instead of hot flashes.  They had to give me two warmed blankets and a heating pad.  Again, I was there all afternoon.  This treatment takes a long time to be administered. Nurse Marilyn even stopped it for a bit to allow me time to recover from the severity of the chills, but as soon as she said I’d never finish before 5:00p, I decided it’d be best to try and tough it out.  I sunk into the chair and buried myself in the blankets and heating pad.  After I had dozed off for a while, the chills subsided and I had no more use for the blankets and pad.

I gotta say those warm blankets are sweet to have draped over you when you’re freezing.  My pops came and sat with me.  He too dozed off in the chair beside me.

I stopped off for a mojito (or two) and chicken nachos at The Iguana Grill on my way home.  Not part of my diet plan, but sometimes you have to indulge your “screw it” attitude.

Going it alone

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Ugh, I can’t believe I’m even writing this post, but for some reason certain things have been weighing heavily on my mind recently.  I’m really expressing alot here–Crazy girl!

So, there’s a man out there I just can’t seem to stop thinking of.  And let me just say, it’s been like this for a while.  I wish I could get him out of my head, I really do!  My last encounters with him I thought would have done the trick, clearly amiss, but they didn’t.  Is it that I have this odd, long-standing attraction to a man who wants nothing to do with me (for good reason–I’ve acted like a jerk, lunatic and total loser) because I’m going through all of this single, or is it something more?  I don’t know, it’s hard.

For me, I know it has alot to do with everything I’ve been going through for some time.  All this cancer crap!  Having to decide on whether to remove your reproductive organs and mammary glands and of course the big-C, even the thought of it, really puts a kink in things.  I haven’t even mentioned the other incredibly major, life-altering events that have plagued my life the past few years (yes, aside from being BRCA1 and now having breast cancer).  Then there’s the weight issue.  I have to overcome all the hurtles in my mind about all of this.  It’s only making it a lonely experience for me.

The other day I read another woman’s blog post, also a breast cancer survivor, who talked of her first dating experience after cancer treatment.  The man asked her about her visible, port scar.  Something she wasn’t quite prepared to discuss on a casual date.  She wondered if other women had similar experiences or could offer any advice.

For some women, the scars of breast cancer, both physically and psychologically, never factor into their identity as a woman.  For others, it matters a great deal, especially if you’re fairly young and single.  I wish I could be in the first group, but I’m just not there yet.  Some women are completely okay with lopping off their breasts entirely with no reconstruction, ever.  You go sisters!  My breasts are a part of my identity.  However, now they’re trying to kill me, so they kinda have to go.

Yesterday at treatment I saw a young couple around my age.  Husband and wife.  The wife has cancer and the husband was there for support.  He’d help her to the restroom, just sit with her and from time to time get up to get various things for her.  It was nice to see, but at the same time hard to watch.

Several friends have said that this is just something I have to get through first.  It just blows going it alone.

Oh, the hot flashes!

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I started Taxol today. Been here forever and still no sign yet of the finish line.  Walked into TxOnc at 9:30a.  I did have labs and a dr. visit, plus more problems accessing my port.  Well, they couldn’t get a good blood return.  Started treatment around 11:15 or 11:30.  It’s now almost 4:30p and I’m one of the only patients left here.  My father is here too.  He’s been here with me since around lunchtime.

I’m having severe hot flashes, so they’ve had to turn down the speed of the dosage several times.  Got to the point where Nurse Suzie had to steal a fan from a co-worker to make me more comfortable.  I hope it’s not always like this.

Last of the toxic waste dump days–hopefully

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The past two days I think have been the worst of my bad days.  Thank God that was the last of my AC treatments.  I feel like death warmed over.  I start Taxol in two weeks.  I’ll have 12 weeks of that, but my doctor and nurses said the AC is supposed to be the worst of it so I’m hoping the Taxol will be smoother sailing.

Decoding Annie Parker – Austin Premiere, Tuesday, Sept. 3rd from 6:30-9:30p, The Marchesa Hall & Theatre

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DecodingAnnieParker

Click here to purchase tickets:  http://austinpremieredecodingannieparker.eventbrite.com/

The Austin Premiere of Decoding Annie Parker brought to you by the Breast Cancer Resource Centers of Texas.  This inspirational and informative evening will include a cocktail reception and Q&A panel discussion with the film’s screenwriter and director, Steve Bernstein.

PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT BCRC & BRCA GENE AWARENESS, INC.

DECODING ANNIE PARKER
Based on true events, this irreverent and heartwarming film tells the story of two women demonstrating extreme bravery as they individually challenge established beliefs about breast cancer.  Annie Parker (Samantha Morton) is on intimate terms with the disease, having watched both her mother and sister succumb to it. When she herself is diagnosed and believing her disease is hereditary, she struggles to hold her family together while displaying remarkable will and spirit in the face of immeasurable odds.  The film is also the story of Dr. Mary-Claire King, played by Helen Hunt, the Berkeley-based geneticist who struggled for funding and support from disbelieving colleagues until her discovery of the BRCA1 gene and its link to hereditary breast cancer forever changed the understanding of the disease.  Director Steven Bernstein’s feature film deftly balances the seriousness of the situation with an all-too-human response – unpredictable demonstrations of grace and unexpected expressions of humor and wit even during the darkest of experiences.  Featuring stellar performances by Morton, Hunt, and an outstanding supporting cast (Aaron Paul, Rashida Jones, Richard Schriff, Bradley Whitford, and Maggie Grace), Decoding Annie Parker pays tribute to one of the most important scientific discoveries of the 20th century and the people forever changed in its wake.

Last of the AC and the dead armadillo

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Today is my last treatment of Adriamycin + Cytoxan.  Yay!  I have another excellent nurse, Pat.  However, it’s been super busy today at TxOnc so I’ve been here most of the day (since 9:30a and it’s now almost 2:00p.  Still have another hour at least).  Will likely go home and crash from here.  I’ll return in two weeks to start 12 weeks of Taxol.

In other news, I found a dead armadillo in my backyard this morning.  Had my dogs killed it?  Had they been playing with its dead carcass?  Did they eat any of it?  It was way to gross to examine more thoroughly, the flies were swarming and it had such a non-lovely smell to boot.  I tossed it over the fence with a shovel, but it was still kinda freaking me out so I called my vet’s office.  They said they didn’t think I had anything to worry about.  Rabbies?  Leprosy?  No.  If my dogs killed it, it was probably a good thing.  They said it likely dug under the fence somewhere and that an armadillo will tear up your yard.  Not that my dogs hadn’t already done a good job of that.  They said my pups should be fine.  Oh good, so they won’t turn into killer, zombie dogs?  What a relief! :-)

Come to think of it, the other night both Mo and Greta came in a little worse for wear.  Greta with scrapes above and below her right eye and Mo with a small, bloody spot on his side.  Oh, right.  Yes, I’m having a flashing lightbulb over head moment.  I thought maybe they had just played too rough.

Now it all makes sense.  My beasts are sweethearts, but I wouldn’t put killing an armadillo past them.  One day I came home and Mo was playing with a dead squirrel.  Another time Greta tried to tear the gutter drain off the side of the house to get to a trapped squirrel.  She succeeded but the squirrel got away.

They love to torment the squirrels.  The squirrels probably torment them too–Devious, little suckers.  One squirrel got stuck on the very tip top of one of my cedar trees screaming its head off until I called them to come inside.  Guess that squirrel’s plan backfired.  Greta was already half way up the tree.

Another time they killed a harmless tarantula.  I tried to stop them but it was too late.  I gently picked it up and the poor thing was still twitching, and then it died.

I will persevere!

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A newly found friend from Pink Ribbon Cowgirls just sent me this awesome quote that she said helped her through chemo:

                 “I am responsible.  Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening,
                 I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life.
                 Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life.
                 I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can
                 choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have—life itself.”
                                    ~ Walter Anderson

Perfect timing as I’ve been having very emotionally heavy days lately.  I feel like I need to tattoo this on my forearm or something–or not.  Maybe I’ll just add it to the sidebar of this blog. ;-)  

As Bridget Jones would say, “I will persevere!”