Another week done

Yesterday, another treatment done!  Went very smoothly.  I think my labs were good as usual.  Coumadin level a little high but haven’t been tackling the greens as normal either.  They reduced my dosage.

Nice to see the warm face of a friend from way back when.  If I didn’t mention, a girlfriend I knew from middle school is the pharmacist at the TxOnc where I get my treatments at.  She comes and chats with me when I’m there.  What a nice surprise that is–to meet up with an old friend from so long ago.  I enjoy seeing her every time I go!

Had nurse Pat this time.  She rocks and literally saved my life as she was the one to recognize I likely had a blood clot.  That woman is an amazing nurse!

Going it alone

Ugh, I can’t believe I’m even writing this post, but for some reason certain things have been weighing heavily on my mind recently.  I’m really expressing alot here–Crazy girl!

So, there’s a man out there I just can’t seem to stop thinking of.  And let me just say, it’s been like this for a while.  I wish I could get him out of my head, I really do!  My last encounters with him I thought would have done the trick, clearly amiss, but they didn’t.  Is it that I have this odd, long-standing attraction to a man who wants nothing to do with me (for good reason–I’ve acted like a jerk, lunatic and total loser) because I’m going through all of this single, or is it something more?  I don’t know, it’s hard.

For me, I know it has alot to do with everything I’ve been going through for some time.  All this cancer crap!  Having to decide on whether to remove your reproductive organs and mammary glands and of course the big-C, even the thought of it, really puts a kink in things.  I haven’t even mentioned the other incredibly major, life-altering events that have plagued my life the past few years (yes, aside from being BRCA1 and now having breast cancer).  Then there’s the weight issue.  I have to overcome all the hurtles in my mind about all of this.  It’s only making it a lonely experience for me.

The other day I read another woman’s blog post, also a breast cancer survivor, who talked of her first dating experience after cancer treatment.  The man asked her about her visible, port scar.  Something she wasn’t quite prepared to discuss on a casual date.  She wondered if other women had similar experiences or could offer any advice.

For some women, the scars of breast cancer, both physically and psychologically, never factor into their identity as a woman.  For others, it matters a great deal, especially if you’re fairly young and single.  I wish I could be in the first group, but I’m just not there yet.  Some women are completely okay with lopping off their breasts entirely with no reconstruction, ever.  You go sisters!  My breasts are a part of my identity.  However, now they’re trying to kill me, so they kinda have to go.

Yesterday at treatment I saw a young couple around my age.  Husband and wife.  The wife has cancer and the husband was there for support.  He’d help her to the restroom, just sit with her and from time to time get up to get various things for her.  It was nice to see, but at the same time hard to watch.

Several friends have said that this is just something I have to get through first.  It just blows going it alone.

Where’s the love?

Dear friends and family, I’m having a really hard time of it and my support system has waned.  I have several girlfriends that have been totally consistent in their support for me!  Deb, Beth, Kim and Mary, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you girls!  And Ryan and Terri, and Dad! I cannot thank you enough for your unwavering support!  I love you all!!!

For others in my life reading this post, I started this blog to keep you all informed, certainly not for you to disassociate with me.  Where’s the love?  I realize we all lead busy lives, but I could really use your support throughout this ordeal. If only to drop me a line via e-mail or text every week or so, or comment on my blog posts cheering me on and/or just letting me know you’re thinking of me.  If you care about me, please show me some love.

You’ve all stated to let you know if I need anything and I realize I’m quick to show I’m capable of going it on my own, but this is much harder emotionally than I let on or anticipated.  Could use more love from all, please?

Girls Night Out!

Last night my girlfriends of 20+ years, Jenni, Beth and Kim (who I’ve known since high school), and I “partied like rock stars” at the New Order show.  Afterward we met up with other friends and bar hopped until close.  Didn’t get home until 4:00am.  So glad to be feeling good!  Danced, sweated and laughed our asses off!  I think any residule chemo from this round got sweated out of me.  It’s been a while since we did that. Was starting to feel like an old fart!  Had a blast!  Love you girls!!!

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Ready for Work–Not

I came in to work today.  It was so hard just getting out of bed this morning.  I doubt anyone is even reading this blog, just me.  Just a handful of people responded to my e-mail plea for emotional support via e-mail/text.  I am grateful to those who did respond!

Having a really hard time of it right now.  Just have to get through today and hope tomorrow will be better.  Have fitness class at the Y tonight but not feeling up to it physically or mentally.  Attending a show tomorrow night with girlfriends–hope I’m up for that!